Fear, Faith, Feelings…
Taking Miss Kitty to the veterinarian last week was a traumatic experience. My cat was really sick and I had resigned myself to the fact that she may not survive.That’s hard enough to handle for a pet lover…the process made it so much worse.
A masked attendant would come out to the car and retrieve her. The attendant would take her into the office for the exam…I had to wait in the car. If she had to be euthanized, I would be informed over the phone. She would die without me and I would receive her remains later. What I intended as an effort to sustain my beloved cats life suddenly felt like an act of violence and cruelty against us both.
That’s not what it was, that’s what it felt like.
Thinking about this later, I wondered how many times this scenario with the accompanying feelings has played out with human patients since the beginning of the pandemic? How many have died alone after saying choked goodbyes over a smartphone?
When I was awaiting word on Missy’s prognosis I wondered about demanding I be allowed to be present, about forcing my way in so that she could pass knowing how loved she is. I wondered what I would do if that were a loved human inside the building I was locked out of.
My county is on lockdown and my friends are out of work. Their unemployment ends the day after Christmas. There will be no Christmas celebration because there is no money and they have run out of ways to explain this to their children. They have run out of ways to explain it to themselves other than the governor is evil incarnate and enjoys having a boot on their neck.
It surely feels that way to them and who can blame them?
Others believe the churches are restricted because the authorities hate Jesus, though they would have to conclude they hate restaurants, gyms, and other small businesses as well.
I wear a mask without much thought, but when asked to wear it through a drive up, I balk.
We trust very few and judge how trustworthy someone is by what they post on Facebook. Are they one of us or are they deceived?
We hate the media…except for the media that feeds how we feel. They are the ones telling the truth. They will be censored, but we we link to the censored material without realizing that the very act of doing so means it wasn’t censored very well.
There are days when I fear for my future and more days when I fear even more about the future that will be when I’m gone.
Pious ones post “do not fear” Scriptures on social media and I question both their theology and sanity.
We act strong, assured, and angry…or just angry.
Maybe… we’re all just confused and terrified.
Maybe…if we gave each other the space to admit that, we’d feel a lot better about the challenges we face and each other.
Maybe…being afraid isn’t a sin, but staying afraid is when you know Jesus.
Maybe…we need to focus on just knowing Jesus and drop the other stuff.